Inner Strength

I love online blogs…even tho i dont keep it updated on a regular basis but i enjoy those times such as tonight where its 430 am and wide awake… not by choice but bc i was woken up by my phone vibrating from a call… now the caller who will be nameless is a guy that i met a few weeks ago…. he called to see how i was doing, we talked for 30 mins then said goodnight. Yet that was an hour ago. and theres no goodnight here… i kept thinking about what i really want to say to him. and well before saying it too him i guess i decided to vent to everyone else online :) about what i really want. i casually asked him last time we saw each other what he was looking for…his response “well i dont want a super serious relationship…but (shrug of the shoulders) i dont know… i think your cool and like chillen with you”… i respond with ok… in anticipation of him in return ask me the same question since we were on the topic… but there was nothing… 

so the over thinker, over analyses everything part of me kicked in… and broke it down 

he enjoys my company, likes me, thinks im attractive and is attracted to me and we have good chemistry…. BUT no i cant let it go….im not that simple

he doesnt want a serious relationship so he wants things casual so when he is tired or doesnt want to see me or finds something better im done… he wants his cake and eat it too…

… i USE to be that way…what i really want to say to him is—- i use to be the most carefree person when it comes to guys… just get what i want and leave them BUT the day i found out i had an unplanned pregnancy 1 week moving to a new city with NOONE to know and not serious with person ..(known for 3 years but not serious) …that carefree lifestyle went out the window… i lived in that “gray” relationship for 2 years not knowing what we were but didnt care… well you start caring real soon when reality hits you… and i dont want to do it anymore… i need security i want security form a partner… i dont want a shrug type of a relationship… and to think that he didnt ask what im looking for makes me feel and think that he doesnt really care what i want out of this… 

Timing is everything thats as much as i can say. this time around im not rushing into any decision but im not sure which decision is the right one. please help me!!! 

Begins at joeys with my roommate ( just got dumped by her boyfriend of 7 month) and my best friend who is a happy 21 year old free spirit single girl… I walk in and I feel like fucking mother hen, anti social old lady…. Who while Imo out at a bar “Trying” to have fun and feel “fuck it to the world” attitude….. I DONT…. Then im thinking” why dont I feel this way” I use tooo….I thats right….. I HAD A FUCKING LIFE ALTERING EXPERIENCE AND FUCKING ABORTED A HUMAN BEING INSIDE ME 6 MONTHS AGO!!!!…. is that why i feel like an alien and dont give a shit about meeting new people or having a “carefree drunken time” bc from my recollection thats what got me in trouble…. ya not so carefree anymore biatch. the way the night ended was good! i snapped myself out of it and joined in on the excitement

day 2,… “Marathon Monday” so fucking fun…prolly the best day i have had in boston…. me and my friend started at 9am …got ready…got packing walked up to the race…. saw the beginners of the woman’s race and men’s…. walked from Washington Square to kenmore/fenway SOOO FUN!!!!!!! pretty much the only time you can be outside with drinks in your hand and cops wont question you. BUt i felt alive and myself 

i just feel that my abortion ripped me away from experiencing my 20’s and im jealous of that! no matter if i had the baby or not it ripped me of my 20’s i am forced to mature and grow up faster than if i never was pregnant….. but in the end i know now i am happier know my life is worth more because im going to some day create a life, raise it to be the best person it can be with a man i love and adore….( Paul ) 

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

‘Cause there’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody’s gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

“what brings you in today….i had an abortion 6 months ago….”

thats how my first therapy visit started…. by the end of the visit my dr. said that i have adjustment depression…. what does that mean? i only have depression part time instead of full time… either way i would not want this feeling for anyone… the feeling of stuck, cant move and when it comes down to it…. “just dont give a fuck” feeling 

i have good days and i have shitty days. I really think my dr. is going to help even if its someone i can talk to, they say therapy with the combination of meds works better. Im not sure if i want to be put on meds. all i know is im tired of feeling tired and having the urge to snap at anyone for any little thing. 

i miss you 

i hate to go to sleep in fear of missing out on something

i hate going to bed without your arms wrapped around me 

i keep my laptop next to me just to see if you sent me an email 

i want to be with you, your on my mind 24/7 

My first day at my new job… Check that off my list of things i want to get straightened out in my life

it was amazing, scary, intimidating, exciting, tiring. There was a LOT of information i had to take in. But i work with amazing people that are always there to help. My supervisor is amazingly open… the way we left our training….if you dont feel overwhelmed and feeling like your in quick sand… your not doing it right ;) that made me feel better. 

i guess im the type of person who doesnt want to be saved by anyone other than herself. I was not raised like that and after 23 years im not about to start now. I am not ashamed to ask for help when I need it but I know in my heart what is best for me. I do hold you close to my heart for reasons I cant explain i care for you that is why its hard to not be with you but i would be lying to you and to myself if i continued in this unhealthy relationship…. you say you were trying to save a relationship…i say i am saving myself